Sun-cream, we need to talk…

Dear Sun-cream,

I need you more than you need me, I get that. I know you could decide to walk away and leave me exposed to the elements with the children, but please don’t act so callously. I fully accept that life (in the summer) would be worse without you around.

But that doesn’t mean you have to can get away with treating me so badly at times. We need to talk about our relationship; I think you need to make more of an effort. You’ve become complacent and lazy at times. I feel like you take me for granted.

I dutifully give you your many days out, slathering you on small (and not so small) bodies at prescribed regular intervals. You are not neglected; I do all I can to help you achieve your purpose in life. Nobody is arguing that you don’t help me with my parenting objectives but this is a two way street and I need to you to hear me out.

I’m just going to be honest and bite the bullet, you’re a total bitch to apply. As soon as the kids even spot you, the whining starts. They don’t like you. I think you could make more of an effort to hold their interest, perhaps a musical twist, the transfer of temporary magical powers or production of mini-unicorns or rainbows might suffice? Have a think about it and come back to me, I will help out where I can. I want the kids to have a good relationship with their SPF lotion.

Your consistency could do with some tweaking. I know that to have the full benefits of your protection, the gloopiness is a pay-off but it’s wreaking havoc on hands, hair and clothes in the family. I spent almost as much time scrubbing sun-cream stains out of clothes as I do applying the lotion in the first place.

Perhaps we could talk about your longevity? Could you not work a bit harder to last a little longer? I’m not taking any satisfaction from batting around words like premature erosion of ability, but I feel if I don’t say it nobody will. I’m hopeful that a medical team somewhere may be approaching the problem (as I have heard other mother’s bemoaning the frequency of the re-application process without feeling they got much from it) so please pay attention to any developments.

I’ve heard other women talk about aspects of sun-cream in a boastful way, to be honest I’m not even sure I believe them. But I want you to be aware of the sort of things other women see as part of the sun protection relationship. There’s no pressure here, I’m just filling you in on the playground gossip. There are whispers of intense, long-lasting moisturising abilities, self-tanning properties, skin smoothing and polishing features among others… all with the same protection from UVA and UVB rays that we have come to know and love. There I’ve said it now and it’s out there…

I want us to enjoy many more summers together, mutually making the most of the sun when it goes deign to appear. I am sorry if this letter has shocked you, I’ve been muttering these things to myself over and over lately but I don’t think you’ve been listening.

We’re in this together, neither of us wants sizzled skin.

Yours,

A sticky-handed mama

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