It’s the time of year when brightly coloured flyers promising to make our children singing sensations, Oscar winning stars or Olympic athletes in one short week abound. The (annual) age of the Summer Camp has dawned. As I waded through the collection of leaflets, ads and notes about various camps on offer in the area, it got me thinking about how nice it would be to go to a summer camp myself. A Mammy Camp.
I’ve put together a sample schedule and description, I don’t think I’d have any problem selling the spaces. Who’s in?
Introducing the first of its kind, a camp designed solely for mothers to cater to their every need. We promise to help you make the most of your precious time with a focused and intensive programme guaranteed to assist you in being the best mother you can be.
The camp features several modules which women can attend, but there are also break-out areas dotted around the campus. We have taken on board requests from interested parties and located the camp in a luxury spa to best meet the needs of our attendees.
Come join us, relax and feed those souls! The relaxation modules include:
- Sleep pods – you will notice the cocoon shaped sleep pods artfully arranged around the campus, each is fitted with a millon thread count Egyptian cotton bed-linen for your comfort. The sleep pods feature integrated music and meditation sound-tracks and also have an in-built refreshment station to help prolong your stay.
- Yoga, pilates, aqua-aerobics, milk-shake making and chocolate eating classes run throughout the course of the day. All our instructors have been approved by the accredited model agency.
- A fully-equipped library of every published book awaits to help ignite your imagination. Escape to another world.
- Your personal assistant is trained in all types of massage, therapy and the ability to change toilet rolls. Just ask and you shall receive.
If you are feeling more energised there are many targeted sessions which may be of interest:
- Obedient children – we have sourced several child-bots which are guaranteed to pay full attention to your requests and do as they are told; sit back and enjoy the experience.
- DIY station – the DIY station is fully equipped with professional tradesmen; upon your arrival at the centre you will be assigned a camp husband. This temporary partner will carry out all sorts of DIY tasks at your request, and demonstrate the best practice in common areas such as the putting up of a shelf. Leaflets and manuals will be available to take home.
- Culinary arts – lounge in the state of the culinary arts theatre and feast your senses on all manner of edible delights. No request is too small. Please be advised that due to atmospheric qualities in the spa, the calorie content of all food stuffs has been reduced by 75%.
- Anger management – we appreciate that sometimes it can be hard to switch off from the frustrations and stresses of home life. In order to best help you achieve the most from your time in the camp, there is an anger management station. Just input the requested celebrity and their hologram will be projected on the punch bag. Enjoy the opportunity to vent your irritation with the inflatable mallets.
- A comedy club is at all times in operation, come and flex your funny bone. There’s not much in life that isn’t improved with a good belly laugh!
- The gin and tonic tent is a last minute feature added for your enjoyment. Become a mixologist and create your own combination from the multitude of options available.
- The best friends diary room enables you to teleport your friends from far flung places in order to savour their company in person. Please note that this service carries with it some challenges and best practice has discovered that the consumption of tea and biscuits or wine and crisps (dependent on the users preference) will assist in the optimal service use.
We are open to feedback and requests from our campers, so please feel free to come over and rub the magic lamp!
We look forward to returning refreshed women to homes at the end of each day.